Epic Training FAIL

This (Saturday) morning I had begun crafting the following post with the intention of getting up from my chair, putting on my running shoes and heading out the door:

Waking up at a little before 5 a.m. this morning, I immediately set about, not preparing to go for a run, but rather, settling in to begin grading the stack of Ethan Frome/Death of a Salesman papers I have been periodically scanning for nearly a week. It has been four days since I have been for a run (and two since meaningfully participating in my sitting practice), so after a few wayward days, I try to take advantage of the empty house (Anne and Greg are at a regatta in Pittsburgh and my son at his mother's) to catch up.

Unfortunately, after getting completely dressed and placing my hand on the door knob to go outside, I was overcome by the distinct desire NOT to run, but instead to sit and play X-Box, before eventually returning to my papers.

It was just one of those epic fail training days, one for which I hope to atone tomorrow... that is unless something else "comes up."

Breathe in, breathe out… YOU AND I ARE ALIVE!

Snyder on Sitting and Poetry

This post is not so much a "newsflash" as it is the "sharing" an article I recently came across online that might be of interest to aspiring poets...

Tricycle magazine's on-line edition recently displayed a web-button in the left margin which caught my attention as it eluded to no less than three of my personal areas of interest (in no particular order): poetry, Gary Snyder and meditation. First published in 1991, eco-poet Gary Snyder's article Just One Breath: The Practice of Poetry and Meditation, in which he expands on the relationship between the act of writing poetry and meditating.

Though Snyder does discuss his own journey with Zen Buddhism, he shares in a way that does not exclude those who do not sit (mediate) for long periods of time, by recognizing up front the value of even a single conscious breathe.

A long standing Snyder fan, I was amazed at how new, fresh and personal this 18 year-old(!) felt. Snyder discusses how he came to his process of writing poetry and how he found balance in both his meditative and writing practices. I invite you to check out the articel at the link above and leave you with this thougth from Synder:

An accomplished poem, like an exemplary life, is a brief presentation, a uniqueness in the oneness, a complete expression, and a kind gift exchange in the mind-energy webs.

Big Sit, Day 89: Endings & Beginnings

Unbelievably, today (May 22) is the eighty-ninth day of the ninety day The Big Sit. While missing only two or three opportunities, I have successful managed to "sit" during most of the "challenge" and have seen some "progress." (So many words are in quotes, as I don't know how to really define them--for example, though I sat on a pillow and counted breathes, not every engagement was as meaningful as the previous or next, whatever "meaningful" means...)

So, you might ask, "what has been the result of this new beginning?" Why, even more new beginnings, of course!

At the very least, this ninety day period has allowed me to develop a discipline of sorts; setting aside 10-20 (mostly around 15) minutes each morning before work, running or eating to sit in quiet mediation and count breathes. Starting with simply counting "in one, out one, in  two, out two..." and eventually mixing things up by employing sutra lines "breathing in I feel joy, breathing out I feel joy" to vary and focus my experience.

Some of these lines, in addition to other poems and gathas have also found their way onto a deck of index cards Pictured above) that I made to I carry in my back pack (or at work--in my front shirt pocket). I have begun to use these to reflect or offer thanks throughout the day. It may seem sort of weird, but I have a poor memory and am trying to train myself to be more conscientious and aware of these good things that I come across... and to avoid the negative thoughts and ideas that come to my mind throughout the day.

Tomorrow is the final day of the "official" Big Sit, but my intention is to continue on with some of the positive practice I have started...

Breathe in, breathe out… YOU AND I ARE ALIVE!

Big Sit, Day 78: Training Wheels

"The first thing to learn in meditation is how to sit effectively...There are two important principles that you need to bear in mind in setting up a suitable posture for meditation: your posture has to allow you to relax and to be comfortable, and your posture has to allow you to remain alert and aware."~wildmind Buddhist Meditation

Even after participating in what has now become 78 straight days (well, maybe of few less) sitting practice, I still feel as though I'm using "training wheels." In staying with Tricycle's 90-day Zen Meditation Challenge, The Big Sit, I have been using a chair and cushion when sitting (the easiset of all sitting positions), despite my unconscious recognition that doing so makes my time spent seem less than those who can rock the full or half lotus sitting position.

It's not that I haven't tried, on a few occasions, to either kneel, or sit either Indian style or half-lotus, but that it is much more comfortable--and my energy and breathe-counting easier to focus upon, when I am sitting in the more comfortable upright position with the aid of my old reliable desk chair.

But, it probably really doesn't matter how I "sit," as long as I endeavor to do so with a level or intention and discipline. Another example might be those of us who play sports recreationally. There is still a real benefit to our doing so. Despite the reality that our level of athletic performance, or how we look participating, does not necessarily mirror that of a professional or expert involved in the same activity.

So, while I am still using the training wheels, at least I am gaining some benefit from moving at all!

Breathe in, breathe out… YOU AND I ARE ALIVE!

Big Sit, Day 66: Breathing In, Breathing Out

"Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in; breathing out, I a know that I am breathing out..."

When Tricycle's 90-day Zen Meditation Challenge, The Big Sit, started sixty-six number of days ago, I had endeavored to ignite a practice of sitting each day for 15 minutes (yes, 5 minutes less than recommended, but far better than the zero I had been putting in previously!). Things have “progressed” in that I have continued to follow through on setting aside fifteen-twenty minutes daily (preferably in the morning, but at night when necessary) and, thus far, have only missed two “appointments” with the chair/pillow.

While there is no real measure of success in practice (at least as I have seen yet), except for the reality that I now look forward to these moments and have tried to develop how and what I do with them.

I began this journey using a method of "counting breathes" (“One”… breathe in… breathe out, “Two”… breathe in… breathe out… and so on until ten), dabbled briefly in a few different “counting approaches,” but of late have settled on using the some techniques suggested in Thich Nhat Hanh’s Breathe, You Are Alive: The Sutra on the Full Awareness of Breathing. (The first of these is at the start of this post.)

In addition to using a few lines of these sutras (aphorisms relating to some aspect of the conduct of life) to focus in lie of simple counting, I have also begun reading a short gatha (one of a group of hymns) priro to beginning in each morning.

The best part is that I have started...

Sitting: Quick Reflections on 46(!) Days

A student asked Soen Nakagawa during a meditation retreat, "I am very discouraged. What should I do?"
Soen replied, "Encourage others." (Essential Zen)

Though occasionally my dedication and purpose lapses, I continue to make every effort to sit for at least fifteen minutes daily. Here we are at Day 46(!) of the Tricycle's 90-day Big Sit. While I have at least made the effort to sit and focus each day there has been at least two day in the past few weeks that have ended very abruptly, usually when I have gone running early in the morning rather than sitting with the idea of attempting to do so in the evening. It has yet to have been successful.

I've come to the conclusion that my "mind" is much too splintered and wild to focus with any real intent after a day of drama students work, so my best course of action appears to be continuing to adhere to my vow to sit in the morning prior to "starting" my day.

Another challenge has been holding true to the precepts ("... reading or viewing the Genjokoan," "getting more sleep," etceteras) and, though these are not in and of themselves life-changing, I find myself being discouraged when I read the "vow" (as I do prior to each sitting session, and recognize my inability to follow through on all six elements. The cumulative effect of falling short is frustrating, but I endeavor prior to each prior to , during and following each session

On the "plus" side (though it is really neither "better" nor "worse" than what precede it) Recently I have also attempted moving from sitting in a chair to doing so while sitting Indian style on a pillow... actually a yoga blog with a pillow on top of it to provide myself a degree of stability. This, too, has proven a challenge mostly because my legs, though sort of flexible, are unfamiliar with holding this position for extensive periods of time. Like many new things, though, I am sure that with more practice I will be able to maintain the cross-legged sitting position comfortably for the 15-20 minuets necessary (for a beginner like me).

Wow... I still can't believe it's been forty six days, just slightly over halfway to 90!

Sitting Day 36, Incense

By offering incense we create the cause always to experience pleasant smells and never to be reborn in unpleasant places. We also create the cause to keep pure moral discipline and attain pure concentration.

Today, the thirty-sixth of the Tricycle's 90-day Big Sit, I continue to tinker with my morning practice. Each morning, prior to sitting down to meditate, I bow to both the chair/pillow and to the altar, then light both a white scent free candle and a single stick of incense standing in a small circular incense holder with the image of a lotus raised on its surface.

Just yesterday, after lighting the first stick of my third packet of incense, I actually had the (for me) unique experience of having a stick burn during the entire fifteen minute session (and very fragrantly I might add). I actually had to "butt" it out and saved it for the next mornings session.

The fact that the incense (at least this particular stick) remained lit and aromatic during the entire duration definitely helped me to maintain a higher level of concentration... why, I am not exactly sure. This pack of Sandalwood is from the same producer as the first packet I purchased three(!) weeks ago, but those sticks would generally burn out five to eight minutes after being lit, while generating very little aroma.

I hope the remaining fourteen sticks being me as much aromatic pleasure and focus as the first...

Breathe in, breathe out... YOU AND I ARE ALIVE!

Sitting, Day 17

"A student asked Soen Nakagawa during a meditation retreat, "I am very discouraged. What should I do?"
Soen replied, "Encourage others."~from Essential Zen

Amazingly, today is the seventeenth of the Tricycle's Big Sit. Though it seems to have gone by quickly, I have been sitting each morning for fifteen minutes. Honestly, the sitting has been the "easy" part. An element of participating in the "challenge" is the completion of a "vow," really a form created by Reverend Jo-An Alan Tibbetts at Enkyo Roshi’s Village Zendo in New York City. The purpose of the vow is to act in support of this "ango," and includes sentence stems with which you can include personal goals for mind, body and spirit. (As a practical matter, I have taken to reading each morning before I sit.as a way of making the experience more intentional.)

When I said the sitting was "easy," make no mistake that the act and focus is not easy in the sense that it is simple to accomplish, but rather, that in comparison to some of the commitments I wrote in my vow, the relative ease of the very hard physical act of sitting is pale next to the difficulties I experience meeting some aspects of my vow.

One part, in particular, is wherein I say to myself that "I will honor my body by bidding adieu to a bad habit." As challenging as it is to break myself of habits which are detrimental to my physical person, and therefore prohibit me from displaying "right action," it is the sense of shame I feel at this failure, at not achieving what I have set out to do or, worse yet, achieving for days or weeks, then backsliding.

When I do break my vow, or promise, I once again reaffirm my desire to bid adieu, and hope that through sitting I will discover the strength to avoid those behaviors which draw me from a right path.

Breathe in, breathe out... YOU AND I ARE ALIVE!

Sitting, Day 13

"Some people find incense and pictures of the Buddha to be a threat to their rational spirit. But we most certainly cannot depend solely upon our rationality."~Setting Up Your Home Altar

It is amazing to recognize that I have been working "in" Tricycle magazine’s 90-day Zen Meditation Challenge, Big Sit, for nearly thirteen days now. Though it seems a very small feat, this means that since February 23, I have been waking up a little earlier (4:40 a.m. to be exact) in order to sit for 15 minutes each day.

On the surface, there has been no "struck by lightening moment," but simply cosmetic changes in a developing practice. As I peruse the online community of members working through this exercise, the result people hope for ranges from instantaneous enlightenment to a single moment of peace. Any progress towards the prior ("okay--I sort of 'get it.'"is much greater than the latter("BOOM--here you are!") ... and that's really all I have sought by not seeking.

My slowly developing "altar" has evolved from consisting of an old replica American colonial period shelf and mildly scented candle to the same shelf with a ceramic incense holder, a few pictures and a small red laughing Buddha figurine. Most of these things were purchased at a local shop and the actual presence of these various things in my home, in public, and my having purchased them represents the biggest change. A normally awkward and self-conscious individual about these matters, I have become more comfortable in becoming a consumer and "user" of this paraphernalia to (hopefully) mold a stronger (any!) sitting practice. In doing so, I have attempted to draw meaning from the inclusion of each.

Who knows if this is something I will continue to build into my life after 90 days, but this is a start toward something, right? ... and perhaps that is the larger purpose of this "challenge."

Breathe in, breathe out... YOU AND I ARE ALIVE!!

The Training Week That Was... 2/23-3/1

This week, in addition to running, I also added the Big Sit as a discipline--setting aside fifteen minutes daily to meditate in compliance with the Zen tradition as articulated and clarified online at Tricycle magazine. Never before have I so consistently attempted to maintain this sort of practice and , though it is not always as "successful" as I might hope (whatever "success" in the context of "sitting" means), I am energized by the fact that I am doing it at all!

Here is what went down with my running this past week:

Legend: R = Running, B = Stationary Bicycle

Monday & Tuesday: Rest
Wednesday: Key Run #1 8 miles
Thursday & Friday: Rest
Saturday: Key Run #2 7.4 miles
Sunday: Key Run #3 15.8 miles

TOTAL MILEAGE: R 31.2 (+0.5 mile from the previous week)
Weigh-In*: 191.5lbs. (+2 lbs. from the previous week) [* @ 5:00 a.m. on 3/2/09]

I managed to actually increase slightly my mileage from the previous week, but more importantly, for the third consecutive week I adhered to the "three days on-four days off" nature of the training plan. I continue to struggle with finding ways within which to meaningfully cross-train. Given my other commitments and passions at this point, I'm not sure how much I am going to be able to add anything else, but I am finding what I am currently working towards rewarding enough.

Breathe in, breathe out... YOU AND I ARE ALIVE!

Sitting Day 5: Altar-ations

As I continue to an effort to follow through on my commitment I am doing my best to stay within the "expectations" (that's the "teacher talk" coming out), part of which is the suggestion that establish both a location or corner in your home that will serve as your identified mediation "spot" that promotes a "spirit of dedication."

An important component of this intentionally, clean and spare corner is an altar. Some recommended accouterments to be placed on the altar (which as a member of the life-long Catholic faith feels odd to write here) are incense, pictures, flowers, and maybe a bowel of water--each for a different reason.

For the first four days of the Big Sit I have set up a very simple altar made using a colonial American style bench that my wife had used in the living room of her previous (pre-marital) home. Unable to find incense (without going to a "head shop," a place that would make me extremely uncomfortable) I purchased a lightly scented candle. I had attempted to find some pictures of a Bodhisattva or teacher from he Zen lineage to place on the altar--not to be prayed TO but to reflection on as an example--but unable to do so I placed a picture of the Dalia Llama I had in an old magazine. That was it, for now.

Early this morning before work I stopped at a supermarket for some yogurt for lunch and noticed a medium sized wooden bowl for sale at an inexpensive price, so purchased it. Following school I drove by a local poster shop which was open (it hadn't been earlier in the week) and went in to look around with only the $2.10 I had been able to scrounge up in my car. I though maybe I'd find a single postcard or picture I could place on the altar with the bowl of water. Luckily, I did indeed find two postcards (total price, $2.05) which I bought , placed carefully in my jacket (it was raining out) and headed the remainder of my way home.

I must confess to an odd feeling of satisfaction and anticipation as I placed these objects on the altar and began to consider a sit...

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Sitting

In an effort to follow through on my commitment to participate in Tricycle magazine’s 90-day Zen Meditation Challenge, Big Sit, I have been waking up a little earlier (4:40 a.m. to be exact) in order to sit for 15 minutes each day. Having set up a make-shift "altar," and using a pillow to facilitate "correct" sitting (with chair) posture.

Though I began the "experiment" with a strong (I guess) fifteen minute sit on Monday, unfortunately, just as they (the magazine folks) said would happen, I did feel a little bit of a let down on next two days. This morning (the third day) I could only focus on not focusing for about ten minutes as I was so distracted by the time.

This afternoon/evening I'll try something different and attempt to meditate after my run or in the evening when I won't be so concerned about being here or there, and can focus on being then.

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Sit On It (Again)!

The Fonz: [to his class] Don't you understand, your brain is clay and I gotta *squeeze* it!
[class is startled]
The Fonz: [then calmly] Let me put that another way..."
~Happy Days (1974)

Following yesterday's "run" (which as you'll recall ended poorly), I decided to try a different tact in preparing for today's scheduled "Rest" day. Waking up, just a Tad earlier than "normal," I once again dug out one of my old (like, gosh, almost seven years-old now!) yoga videotapes to work through. All of the series are short, roughly twenty-minutes, and therefore manageable. At 5:30 a.m. I worked through the stretches presented in AM Yoga for Beginners with uber-yogi Rodney Yee (he of the by-now-familiar Prana Sleep mattress television ads).

Following the brief practice I sat for about ten minutes and focused on my breathes as I began to prepare for the final day of planning before classes begin in earnest tomorrow. Perhaps the time I used for running after work yesterday could be better spent sitting, especially given how poorly it went. If I could find take make the time to sit for a short time after school and run once the sun has set my overall training would feel be more holistic and satisfying.

Breathe in, breathe out... YOU AND I ARE ALIVE!